My personal rules for dressing (spring/summer update)
Writing newsletters = mending fences
I originally published this last November, but — as is the way with matters of taste and self expression — my thinking has slightly evolved. So I am reposting it, with some important updates. Again: these rules only apply to me.
Don’t be a tree.
Be careful with brown trousers and green tops. Both elements are great on their own but combined, you’re instantly a tree. Or Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
I’m relatively tall so maybe it’s a height thing. But then again, if you’re short: shrub.
UPDATE: Changed my mind. Be a tree, just be a tree on purpose.
Don’t be a ballerina
Close fitting black undershirts are fine on most people. But unfortunately for me, when I look in the mirror, I can’t help but imagine I’m wearing a dancer’s sexy black leotard as a base layer.
No rugby jerseys as casual wear
This one hurts, because I also think that the rich-country-boarder-at-Sydney-private-school aesthetic is the cuntiest and coolest look of all time. Australia’s answer to Ivy Style.
I like rugby jerseys, but it’s too close to my preppy roots and feels like I’m cosplaying a version of myself that took an only-slightly-different path.
The same goes with Polo Ralph Lauren polo shirts, pale blue gingham, pastel blues or greens, the Country Road duffle bag, a few particular shades or beige chino, spread collars, any popped collar, linen shirts where the linen is thin and the hems curl up revealing belly and all Havaianas.
Strangely, all forms of boat shoes and Canterbury Rugby shorts get a pass.
No black shoes
Except for black tie or a funeral. I’m not sure exactly why - maybe too high contrast with the rest of me.
UPDATE: I have broken this and been wearing a pair of black R.M. Williams boots nearly every day. My mate Kym handed them down to me years ago, and for the longest time they just sat there in limbo… Too beautiful to get rid of, too in breach of guidelines to wear.
The key, I think, to making these work has been to dress a little bit like a cowboy/jackaroo on the outside (and, more importantly, to feel DEEPLY like a cowboy/jackaroo on the inside).
iPhone = pistol
Laptop = horse
Any building you may enter = saloon.
No hoodies
This one is a shame. I have tried so many times, but whenever I put one on and look in the mirror it feels like I borrowed someone else’s torso.
No sneakers/trainers outside of exercise
I use to always covet sneakers as objects and then never wear them or quickly tire of them. They didn’t make me feel like a special little boy so I cut them out of my life.
Jeans should look like they look on Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World, Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Axel Foley from Beverly Hills Cop or Bruce on the cover of Born In The USA
The problem is, none of these people cared about their jeans. They just went to the shop and bought them. That’s why they look cool. So having saved eBay searches for every variation of “Made in US Levis 505 orange tab w34 l32 70s 80s 90s” is sort of counter to the point even though you do it anyway.
UPDATE: This all applies, but jeans can also be slightly bootcut (Levis 517, Wrangler etc.) to accomodate boots.
Train to work = Ute ride to ute muster
Salmon and rice at home = Sausages and potatoes at cattle station bunkhouse
Caps should be very old.
If your cap is new, I recommend wearing it quietly in total isolation until it’s old. Charge your Airpods and listen to some podcasts or do the dishes to pass the years.
Important: you can’t take measures to artificially age the hat (cheating). And you also can’t buy a new hat that’s made to look old (unless you’re in Japan and see a cool Japanese person do it - that vetoes everything I’ve said).
Exercise clothes should look like painting-the-house clothes
If you look slick and professional when you go running, it will be shocking to people how slow and inelegant you are.
If you’re wearing your PE shorts from 1999 and a Crowded House Live At The Opera House t-shirt, people will presume that you maybe have a packet of ciggies in your pocket — and considering that — you’re doing okay.
This last one you can engrave on my tombstone.
Finally, my sister Annie wrote this nice and true thing about our Mum.
Happy Mother’s Day to Australian mums (and also to Canadian, New Zealand and American mums/moms).