Share this postScreenshot Essay #1 - A Homesick Australianinmoderation.substack.comCopy linkFacebookEmailNoteOtherScreenshot Essay #1 - A Homesick AustralianAn experimental format. James Ross-EdwardsJun 06, 202410Share this postScreenshot Essay #1 - A Homesick Australianinmoderation.substack.comCopy linkFacebookEmailNoteOtherShare1.One of my fantasies for the future is to move back to Sydney and live in the suburbs and feed my kids the same ultra-processed afternoon teas that me and my siblings enjoyed. I said to Jesss the other day that I didn’t want much in this - just a house that was near a Baker’s Delight and a Chargrill Charlie’s. It later occurred that this humble criteria will run you $2 mil+ in Sydney. I really don’t want much though! just a sick house and for all my clothes to look exactly like normal clothes but be from Japan and very expensive… I still can’t believe that Baker’s Delight has a website. Or that those online pricks only gave the Custard & Apple Teamtime four stars.2(a).I often get my brother-in-law Charlie on that side of the family’s Secret Santa and I always phone it in with a gift voucher for Peter’s of Kensington (he likes cooking). Last year, for a second, I thought I could do better and took a look at the book section… I wish I’d had the courage to buy it as a joke but wasn’t confident enough it’d land at Christmas lunch without me there in person to embarrassingly explain the joke with big, apologetic hand gestures. I’ve used up my free articles on SMH.com.au looking at Domain and I don’t have the spirit to Google it, but surely this is down to $15 now? Maybe less? 2(b).To be fair, if you went to a violent homophobe’s (or an alleged paedophile’s) place for dinner this is probably exactly what they would cook you. “Restaurant quality!” They’d likely enthuse.3.In early high school they used to call the girls from the school down the road who wore ballerina tutus and tiny backpacks “Rhombs” because they loved Frenzal Rhomb. It was meant to be derogatory - but who was anyone kidding? Everyone loved Frenzal. I still do. I sometimes listen to this song on repeat when I have to write an advertising manifesto for something I’m not particularly enthused about. It makes it feel less like soul-destroying creative work and more like year 9 maths homework which - though I’d never have admitted it at the time - had its own specific pleasure. Also, I did work experience with Jay and Lindsey (from the band Frenzal Rhomb) for a week at Triple J when I was 19, and for ayears after, every time I ran into Lindsey he’d buy me a drink. Legend.4(a).My Dad is a world champion pocket dialler. At least twice a month for years I’ll wake up to something like this. It’s been going on for so long that I’ve stopped mentioning it to him when we actually talk. He regularly does it to my siblings too. My wife received her first one a few weeks ago. Sometimes I’ll yell “Dad! Dad! Rob! Dad!” into my phone hoping that he hears but he never does. I used to listen to the 15 minute long voicemails he’d leave me at 4am London-time thinking they might be funny - but they never were. Just generic pocket noises, the jingling of keys. 4(b). More in the series:Screenshot Essay #2 - The Inner World of a Sleep-Deprived PersonJames Ross-Edwards·Jun 27Read full story—-Thanks for reading In Moderation! Subscribe if you like.Subscribe